Thursday, July 20, 2017

Hairstyles - What to Do?

   

      So my youngest teen daughter requested I change my hair back to a style I had when the older kids were young, almost 20 years ago. A short under turned style. Hum. I don't know if I want something so fussy and neat looking. So I'm trying to find a possible newer version of the old. Here's some pics I found.









Elisabeth and Jonathan and myself (1999 ?)






Friday, February 17, 2017

Very Random Thoughts


This is a random compilation of my thoughts this week.

On Heaven:


I do believe in a heaven.  I think of that movie "What Dreams May Come" and a heaven where it seemed like you were in a Monet painting, the colors, the paint dripping around you, rich and intense, the overwhelming beauty.

     The Bible talks of a New Earth and and New Kingdom that we will walk in. That's what I look forward to. Where there is no pain or suffering.




     I had my much awaited doctor's visit to find out why my leg was shrinking and in intense pain. I found out my back isn't the problem, my hip might be.  More x-rays, to go with the MRI and now I need to find an Orthopedic who'll take Medicaid. Sigh.  

     Everyone before this had said it was a bulging disk. But this is the first specialist I have been able to see and he showed me my MRI and said yes there's normal wear for my age and a bit of a bulge but it isn't bad enough for surgery and I can see there's room and it isn't pressing on anything.  I'm just a bit confused now.  But he thinks it's a problem centered on my hip. I should be happy, who wants surgery. But I've come to the point where if it ends the pain and inability to walk, I'm all for it.  But there's no surgery to be done.

     My husband says I should be happy were moving forward. Hum, hard to tell. 





A P.S., because it seems so incomplete without one. Yes, I did see a hip specialist. And that was the problem, a hip that disintegrated through Arthritis over a short time. My hip was replaced and the pain never came back along my leg.  I didn't want to believe it'd be the cure, but that was most of my problems. Working on PT so I can walk better; I need to be better about the exercises. But I walk along the hiking trail a few days a week. My goal is everyday. And I did the Carry, a mile long trail between lakes twice, once into camp and back. With my kids walking with me the whole way.  Just walking, without pain is a miracle, I'm thankful, but it's also a hard thing to grasp how bad it was and how normal I feel now. Like it was just a bad dream. Counting my Blessings, not everyone has medical problems that can be reversed. Wishing all did. 

Friday, February 3, 2017

Yes, I Am "Marching"!







      Yes, I am "Marching", but my husband is borrowing a wheelchair for me since I can barely walk now.  I'm determined to participate, and not be left behind like I was for The Women's March.  I'm hoping I can do this.  Still I have to convince my husband to push me, a friend offered, but I'd like him to do it and be with me.  He's like why are we doing this?  I tried to explain that we would be one of thousands and the numbers count, so we can persuade others to change and for change to really happen.  If we don't try, we have lost before we've begun.

     On the personal front they changed my doctor's date and moved it up 2 months.  I got stuck in a parking lot trying to walk over to my knitting group.  My leg freezes up, feels dislocated with pain.  Lots of it.  I was stuck for almost an hour before my husband came to get me.  He went to the doctor's office to talk to them after dropping me home and they upped the date by almost 2 months (it was April!).


   So root for me now that I get the surgery to make me better, which stops the pain immediately, that day!  Rehabbing my leg will take longer, but to know I have the hope of getting better is awesome!  So here's hoping I get the surgery before Trump cuts off the Extended Medicaid in our State.  Who will win?  Me and my leg or...I can't even say it.

Later Post - Very Random Thoughts - I had my appointment, details here, but it was the night after the appointment so I'm trying to grapple with the, let's say non-results. I don't have a back issue, in the sense not bad enough for surgery. So my imaginary quick fix isn't happening.  I seem to have a hip issue. I'm waiting for x-ray results and I need to find an Ortho-Neuro doctor that will take Medicaid, not an easy task. I feel like I've started over.  I'm also concerned Trump will get into an Executive Order mood and pull funds to the Extended Medicaid patients. I believe in hope, but I'm trying to grapple with the reality that this might be my reality, pain and not being able to walk much, I use a cane in a small apartment that I'm grateful it's not bigger. To me freeing myself of the expectations of being perfectly well again, I think is good. While hope is wonderful, false hope can be deadly.  I want to be thankful for the small steps, maybe less pain, or walking a bit better, or making it down the road to hike, just a bit on my favorite trail. Who cares if it's just a little around the bend.


So hopefully

I will

March!
well with wheels...

I REALLY want to march. 


Starting to knit on my protest hat today - updates will come in


Friday, January 27, 2017

Moving.....

We're moving soon.....  



     Our elderly landlord wants us to move into the main floor apartment in the house he lives in.  He's on the top floor.  My husband is an all around fix it man, so he's working odd jobs on his rentals (besides his full-time job).  But he also was a Nurse's Assistant for years, so he can watch over him.  It's called The Red Barn, but it looks like a sprawling house with interesting additions.  So not quite a barn.




     The odd but wonderful thing is it's a house on my old walk on a trail that cuts across the mountains here, The Intemann Trail. The house is tucked into the last populated corner of the woods before the Pikes Peak forest on a section of the trail that goes on a dirt road winding across the mountain ridge.





     I would always stop there to gaze at the beautiful perennial garden, listen to the birds or to wait for a herd of mule deer coming out of the woods in the corner.  Wow, so that's to be our house!  I'm excited!  Huge kitchen, living room with gas fireplace and two bedrooms!  I get my own bedroom. We have an amazing futon I got designed years ago for us, so we've taken the living room for years so my teenager could sleep in her own room.  I'd always look longingly into her room and think- wouldn't it be nice?



     OK so that reminds me of the song from My Fair Lady:

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'e can be.
'ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly

Read more: My Fair Lady - Wouldn't It Be Loverly? Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Women's March - Just Random Thoughts



I wanted to share these thoughts on my knitting blog, but after awhile, a few paragraphs, I felt it was too lengthy to impose on anyone, unless they wanted to explore my views.  So here's my deleted thoughts and where I sit on some issues (always changing).

Today's knitting blog post: Lovely Yarn Escapes: Tuesday's Knitting Away 

On The Women's March and Making a Pussyhat -


      I am a fence sitter in one area and I'm not quite comfortable sitting on a particular side.  To me the March was about treating women correctly.  To not be disrespectful to women or see them as only sexual objects.  I grew up in the 60's and 70's, had a Dad that was a babe watcher.  Women were sex objects guys could ogle.  I don't know if women now get it how bad the accepted norm was.  I felt very uncomfortable as a woman growing up, being stared at, the look up and down.  It made you feel as an object.  When you talked to a man - did he look you in the eye, or stare at your breasts?  Did my mind, my thoughts mean anything?  And I know it's not gone, but the idea that it be sanctioned, applauded and only dubbed "locker room behavior" sickens me. 


      My fence sitting issue is abortion.  I am a Christian.  I am not a believer in abortion, but that said I also believe other things.  I used to teach and have studied history, I don't believe a government should have the right to dictate people's beliefs.  I'm uncomfortable with a so called "Christian" government dictating that everyone should be a certain way or can or cannot do something.  So what it boils down to even if "I" am not a person who likes abortion (I lost a few babies in the early stages and it took me 11 years to give a live birth), even though I might feel a certain way, I don't believe I or my government has the right to impose that on others.  



     The reason why?  I believe in FREEDOM.  I have spent decades in a Christian far right group that made us all believe one way.  When I got out, I realized how precious my freedom was.  I got out the weekend of the celebration of the anniversary for The Battle of Saratoga in 1777.  And all I could think of was- they fought for my freedom, my right to choose, fresh air to a starving man (or woman in this case). 


      Another issue to be concerned about is back alley abortions.  While I'm not pro-abortion, I'm not let's rip away everyone's right to proper health care.  It is their choice, I won't agree with everyone's choice.  But if they do decide, heaven forbid they have nowhere to go that's safe!  I remember, I'm old enough to remember.  You heard about those that died, horribly.  No one deserves that.  People need room to make their choices. 


      So my uncomfortable line.  I didn't want to seem one way, but I'm very uncomfortable about the other way, too.  Then I realized in my heart the March was about Women being treated fairly.  That is something I can get behind.





Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mom- Not A Title I’d Ever Take Lightly!


If anyone doesn't know my story- I actually was childless for the first 11 years of marriage and despaired of having any kids after losing two in the beginning of pregnancy.  Halfway through a Master's and substitute teaching High School Elisabeth surprised me!  I spent the next 3 months in bed on my doctor's advice- we we're taking no chances.  I really expected her to be the only one! Then when she was 8 months old someone gave me a baby gift intended to keep track of her growing years but was actually for a pregnant mom.  I looked down and gasped, and I realized I was REALLY late and yes, I was pregnant!


Jonathan was a very special surprise and raising two toddlers at the same time was actually fairly easy after Elisabeth was born and she put everyone on a very precise time schedule!  Difficulties and diapers mean little when you've lost babies and suddenly are blessed with two!  Everyday for two years they would take a 3 hour nap (Mom playtime).  And they loved to play together.  It was a special "Winnie-the-Pooh" time.  I remember the livingroom cluttered from toys from end to end, and happy kids.


My Maggie was a late in life surprise.  I had forged on past 40 and kept on trying to have a child.  About 6 years later after my first two I had just come safely down off of climbing Pikes Peak with two friends.  One had got injured coming down, and we had to support her going down through the dark, on switchbacks with dropoffs on one side.  Her fiance was a Missionary with experience in the Himalayan mountains who led us off by holding our hands.  I remember vividly singing loudly to ward off mountain lions and the big black bear at the end of the trail the fiancee had to go around to get the car.  The next day I found out I was pregnant at 42!  Truly unexpected, but very welcome event!



So from childless to three, and no one ever has any clue what i went through before in my 20's and early 30's!  From surgery to miscarriages to letting go and lots of prayer.  But being a Mom will be to me always a special blessing and what I say was the time when the color in my world was turned on like the movie- "Pleasantville".

Prom
Oxford

Europe





Middlebury- Senior Presentation





 Maggie


                                      




Jon & Emily


 



 


Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Mom- I'll Be Missing You- Be Happy


What do you do when your Mom dies?  My mind knows it's for her best interests that she passed- she had Alzheimer's,


She had almost faded away.  She would of hated to know she was the way she was.  Always perfectly turned out- now not.


I embraced every time I could talk to her. Once a week my Dad and I would set a time for me to talk with her.  Our conversations would be simple- centered around the birds she could see out the window.  

Chickadees & Lilacs by Rosemary Millette
                                                                                                                                          
Her window which looked out onto a world all it's own- the Lake.  The large, huge Oak trees that were there, were large when I was small, when it was my grandfather's place, now were giants.   A green wonderland filled with so many birds and geese.  Filled with flowers that my Dad planted carefully to be just like my Mom had planted them before.  Her world.


 

I knew she was dying, but I think I thought subconsciously that there would always be another conversation, even though I hadn't talked to her since right before Christmas.  Hope is a funny thing- It's just hard to grasp it's over.  I want to hear her voice again.  It's just so silent.



If I could just remember it's just so much better for her not to be suffering anymore. 



 Disappearing, not even recognising family.  She would not of liked that.


I still knit her afghan, now not in prayer for her but consolation for myself.  And I stand before God- just silent, knowing He knows.  A line from my book kept coming up on my tablet- I guess I wasn't reading so fast!  "God doesn't make mistakes."  I asked that she would be taken.  And that God would have Mercy, and God wouldn't of taken her unless He knew it was time- not just because I asked.  He doesn't make mistakes.


 I'm listening to music- I love it, the song "Smile" just came on.
  "Smile though your heart is aching.  Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by- if you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile it may be tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you.  Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near. That's the time you must keep on trying, what's the use of crying?  You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile.  That's the time you need to keep on trying.  Smile what's the use of crying? You'll find life is still worthwhile if you still just smile."



That's something I forgot about my Mom.  You couldn't be negative around her.  Negativity was not encouraged and always positive views found.  I kind of keep that tradition going, but I forgot she was the one to start.  It just wasn't acceptable to talk about the negative- I always knew that from her.


So tomorrows another day.  Yes a day without her to call.  Somehow I need to find my smile.  To carry on and know that she's alright where she is.  Having Faith in this moment too.


Mom I'll always love you.

Help me to remember your example of doing, serving others, cooking, baking, creating, growing things, being content in your life at Home.
To Be Happy & Positive,
I'll miss you.
Mom.


I hope Mozart is playing where you are, birds are swooping and calling and the colors of the lake and sun and trees are sparkling for you- that God has a very special place for you to now call Home.  It must be filled with lots of flowers!


Sunset Lake Forest Trees Miniature Painting by IM