What do you do when your Mom dies? My mind knows it's for her best interests that she passed- she had Alzheimer's,
She had almost faded away. She would of hated to know she was the way she was. Always perfectly turned out- now not.
I embraced every time I could talk to her. Once a week my Dad and I would set a time for me to talk with her. Our conversations would be simple- centered around the birds she could see out the window.
Chickadees & Lilacs by Rosemary Millette
Her window which looked out onto a world all it's own- the Lake. The large, huge Oak trees that were there, were large when I was small, when it was my grandfather's place, now were giants. A green wonderland filled with so many birds and geese. Filled with flowers that my Dad planted carefully to be just like my Mom had planted them before. Her world.
I knew she was dying, but I think I thought subconsciously that there would always be another conversation, even though I hadn't talked to her since right before Christmas. Hope is a funny thing- It's just hard to grasp it's over. I want to hear her voice again. It's just so silent.
If I could just remember it's just so much better for her not to be suffering anymore.
Disappearing, not even recognising family. She would not of liked that.
I still knit her afghan, now not in prayer for her but consolation for myself. And I stand before God- just silent, knowing He knows. A line from my book kept coming up on my tablet- I guess I wasn't reading so fast! "God doesn't make mistakes." I asked that she would be taken. And that God would have Mercy, and God wouldn't of taken her unless He knew it was time- not just because I asked. He doesn't make mistakes.
"Smile though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by- if you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile it may be tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you. Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near. That's the time you must keep on trying, what's the use of crying? You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile. That's the time you need to keep on trying. Smile what's the use of crying? You'll find life is still worthwhile if you still just smile."
That's something I forgot about my Mom. You couldn't be negative around her. Negativity was not encouraged and always positive views found. I kind of keep that tradition going, but I forgot she was the one to start. It just wasn't acceptable to talk about the negative- I always knew that from her.
So tomorrows another day. Yes a day without her to call. Somehow I need to find my smile. To carry on and know that she's alright where she is. Having Faith in this moment too.
Mom I'll always love you.
Help me to remember your example of doing, serving others, cooking, baking, creating, growing things, being content in your life at Home.
To Be Happy & Positive,
I'll miss you.
I hope Mozart is playing where you are, birds are swooping and calling and the colors of the lake and sun and trees are sparkling for you- that God has a very special place for you to now call Home. It must be filled with lots of flowers!
Sunset Lake Forest Trees Miniature Painting by IM