Very Random Thoughts

This is a random compilation of my thoughts this week.

On Heaven:

I do believe in a heaven.  I think of that movie "What Dreams May Come" and a heaven where it seemed like you were in a Monet painting, the colors, the paint dripping around you, rich and intense, the overwhelming beauty.

     The Bible talks of a New Earth and and New Kingdom that we will walk in. That's what I look forward to. Where there is no pain or suffering.

     I had my much awaited doctor's visit to find out why my leg was shrinking and in intense pain. I found out my back isn't the problem, my hip might be.  More x-rays, to go with the MRI and now I need to find an Orthopedic who'll take Medicaid. Sigh.  

     Everyone before this had said it was a bulging disk. But this is the first specialist I have been able to see and he showed me my MRI and said yes there's normal wear for my age and a bit of a bulge but it isn't bad enough for surgery and I can see there's room and it isn't pressing on anything.  I'm just a bit confused now.  But he thinks it's a problem centered on my hip. I should be happy, who wants surgery. But I've come to the point where if it ends the pain and inability to walk, I'm all for it.  But there's no surgery to be done.

     My husband says I should be happy were moving forward. Hum, hard to tell. 

A P.S., because it seems so incomplete without one. Yes, I did see a hip specialist. And that was the problem, a hip that disintegrated through Arthritis over a short time. My hip was replaced and the pain never came back along my leg.  I didn't want to believe it'd be the cure, but that was most of my problems. Working on PT so I can walk better; I need to be better about the exercises. But I walk along the hiking trail a few days a week. My goal is everyday. And I did the Carry, a mile long trail between lakes twice, once into camp and back. With my kids walking with me the whole way.  Just walking, without pain is a miracle, I'm thankful, but it's also a hard thing to grasp how bad it was and how normal I feel now. Like it was just a bad dream. Counting my Blessings, not everyone has medical problems that can be reversed. Wishing all did. 

Yes, I Am "Marching"!

      Yes, I am "Marching", but my husband is borrowing a wheelchair for me since I can barely walk now.  I'm determined to participate, and not be left behind like I was for The Women's March.  I'm hoping I can do this.  Still I have to convince my husband to push me, a friend offered, but I'd like him to do it and be with me.  He's like why are we doing this?  I tried to explain that we would be one of thousands and the numbers count, so we can persuade others to change and for change to really happen.  If we don't try, we have lost before we've begun.

     On the personal front they changed my doctor's date and moved it up 2 months.  I got stuck in a parking lot trying to walk over to my knitting group.  My leg freezes up, feels dislocated with pain.  Lots of it.  I was stuck for almost an hour before my husband came to get me.  He went to the doctor's office to talk to them after dropping me home and they upped the date by almost 2 months (it was April!).


   So root for me now that I get the surgery to make me better, which stops the pain immediately, that day!  Rehabbing my leg will take longer, but to know I have the hope of getting better is awesome!  So here's hoping I get the surgery before Trump cuts off the Extended Medicaid in our State.  Who will win?  Me and my leg or...I can't even say it.

Later Post - Very Random Thoughts - I had my appointment, details here, but it was the night after the appointment so I'm trying to grapple with the, let's say non-results. I don't have a back issue, in the sense not bad enough for surgery. So my imaginary quick fix isn't happening.  I seem to have a hip issue. I'm waiting for x-ray results and I need to find an Ortho-Neuro doctor that will take Medicaid, not an easy task. I feel like I've started over.  I'm also concerned Trump will get into an Executive Order mood and pull funds to the Extended Medicaid patients. I believe in hope, but I'm trying to grapple with the reality that this might be my reality, pain and not being able to walk much, I use a cane in a small apartment that I'm grateful it's not bigger. To me freeing myself of the expectations of being perfectly well again, I think is good. While hope is wonderful, false hope can be deadly.  I want to be thankful for the small steps, maybe less pain, or walking a bit better, or making it down the road to hike, just a bit on my favorite trail. Who cares if it's just a little around the bend.

So hopefully

I will

March!

well with wheels...

I REALLY want to march. 

Starting to knit on my protest hat today - updates will come in

Lovely Yarn Escapes.